The Suicidal Octopus

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Now in a TINY ASS SCREEN flavour!

¤ May 5, 2018 ¤

♬ So much for abandoning social media…

This post pertains to: DepressionRantsThoughts

I’m still fucking addicted, I have an issue. I need to stop. Stop! I don’t need likes! I just want to share things with people I like. What’s wrong with me?

I miss talking nonsense about stories I’m creating that no one but me understands, why do I have to pretend I’m some kind of different person when I’m on social media? Why do I crave fucking internet lovelove points?

I want to update this blog more with my thoughts and feelings, maybe I will be less depressed when I’m able to express myself instead of continually holding it in and wanting to scream how depressed I am on social media.

I hate how I depend on social media for self-worth, and I hate that it’s consuming me. I hate that it’s needed in today’s world to promote yourself and get seen… I don’t know what to do.


♥ Posted at 6:36:16 pm CST

¤ January 27, 2018 ¤

♬ Snails on my face: A Not-So-Korean skin care post – Part 2

This post pertains to: Consumerism

So it’s been a little over a year that I’ve been into skin care (aka Asian Beauty subreddit) and I’ve learned several things, I’ve been through a lot of products and I’ve at least found things I can call “HG” (holy grail) that I will repurchase over and over. I’m still trying to formulate a good routine sadly but these products are tried and true.

  • Cosrx Advanced Snail Mucin 96 Power Essence (100 ml) – This shit is the bomb. It heals my acne so well and it’s really easy to spread, it’s not sticky or anything. I mix one pump with 2 drops of Stratia Rewind.
  • Stratia Rewind (30 ml)– It’s very, very subtle effect. However, when I stopped using it thinking it wasn’t working, I noticed that the lines in my face became more prominent. But I really like the effect it gives and it’s moisturizing too.
  • ZYMOGEN Houttuynia Cordata Ferment Serum (105ml) – This serum really helps keep my acne at bay. I stopped using it once and I broke out. Then another time I dropped and broke the bottle, my skin was horrible after that until I replaced it. It’s a ferment though so people susceptible to fungal acne can’t use it.
  • SCINIC Honey All in One Ampoule (250ml): This is AWESOME! It totally brightened some PIH that was bugging me for the past several months, in no time. And I only have to use a little. Everyone says it lasts forever, I can believe it.
  • Stratia Liquid Gold (60ml) – I will never not buy it. It’s perfect. Lightens up PIH and moisturizes so well.
  • Shiseido Senka Aging Care UV Sunscreen SPF50+ PA++++ – Not greasy, doesn’t smell, easy to apply. It’s just simply good.

Other things I’m trying atm that I either don’t like/am unsure of:

  • Stratia Fortify: Honestly I only bought this cuz there was a Black Friday sale and I like Stratia products so I thought I’d try it. I don’t really know if it does anything for me. Its main purposes is to moisturize, anti-inflammatory and reverse UV damage. I currently mix 2 drops of it with my Zymogen serum + tea trea oil. It’s also the worst smelling stuff I’ve ever had in my life, you get used to it after a while though. Will Not Repurchase
  • Kikumasamune High Moist Lotion: I fucking HATE this shit. I bought it because my bottle of Hada Labo Gokujyun was running out and I decided to try the other toner that people rave about. However this was a mistake as I really really hate this. It’s extremely watery and after you apply it it’s sticky. I can’t stand it! It has a pump and it can get messy and spray product too. Will Not Repurchase
  • SCINIC Honey All in One Ampoule 250ml: I bought this for Christmas but I haven’t been able to use it yet since I’m trying other products out. I like honey products so hopefully it helps. It is good for moisturizing + whitening. HG now!
  • Cosrx BHA / Cosrx AHA: I ran out of my previous BHA and AHA (Paula’s choice) so I figured I would try Cosrx. I have been trying to purge a shitton of closed comedones that Holy Snails Shark Sauce left me with. So far, I have indeed been purging them slowly; at least it’s working in that regard, but I still have a lot left over.
  • Cosrx Overnight Honey Mask / Cosrx Wash Off Rice Mask: Sleeping masks don’t seem to do anything for me so I won’t get any more. Will Not Repurchase
  • Laneige Lip Sleeping Mask: It’s overpriced chapstick. Will Not Repurchase
  • MIZON All in One Snail Cream: Yeah so this is a product I purchased the first time I did AB and was using it wrong. I don’t know why I want to try it again after being unsure if it did anything for me, I guess I want to just give it a second try since I fucked up the first time. So far unsure if anything’s different. I haven’t particularly noticed anything. It is rather cheap, but I’ve only used it for a month and I used up half of it already. I think I get better usage from Cosrx Snail 96 Essence. Will Not Repurchase

So, in short, my current routine is:

AM

  • Wash face with water
  • MIZON All in One Snail Cream
  • Kikumasamune High Moist Lotion
  • Cosrx 96 Snail Essence + Stratia Rewind
  • Zymogen Houttuynia Cordata Ferment Serum + Tea Tree Oil + SCINIC Honey Ampoule
  • Stratia Liquid Gold + Cerave Moisturizer
  • Shiseido sunscreen

PM

  • The Face Shop Rice Water Bright Cleansing Oil
  • Cerave Foaming Cleanser
  • KLAIRS Supple Toner
  • Cosrx BHA & AHA (20 min wait in between)
  • MIZON All in One Snail Cream
  • Kikumasamune High Moist Lotion
  • Cosrx 96 Snail Essence + Stratia Rewind
  • Zymogen Houttuynia Cordata Ferment Serum + Stratia Fortify + Tea Tree Oil + SCINIC Honey Ampoule
  • Stratia Liquid Gold + Cerave Moisturizer

It seems like a lot of products I know! But it works for me right now.


♥ Posted at 12:31:47 pm CST

¤ January 20, 2018 ¤

♬ A summary of the past 2 years

This post pertains to: Updates

So seeing as i haven’t really posted anythign substantial in like 2 yrs I figured I’d make a list of things I’ve been up to then.

  • I bought a lifetime subscription to WaniKani so I don’t have to worry about subscription running out. Now I can study my moon runes in peace. やった! However, I have not studied in a while (since mid last year) and I basically forgot everything so I had to reset myself back to 1.
  • I have my own business now, which doesn’t really mean anything, but I didn’t wanna get punched in the dick by the IRS since I want to regularly attend anime cons. And they say that a hobby stops being a hobby if you do it frequently enough for money, so I was like, well I might as well just fuckin go the business route then.
  • Around the end of 2016 I started getting into 3d modeling again. I’ve always been kinda fascinated by it but when I was in college we were forced to do some stupid 3d bullshit for a class and i HATED it. When I saw a game that was coming out that had super cutesy chibi graphics it kinda blew a fuse in my head, like WTF, this is the aesthetic I’ve been longing for for so, so long. Why am I not doing this? This is the shit I wanted to make. I did a little bit but because I never really learned Blender in its entirety I got frustrated, all I did was look up tutorials on YT which weren’t particularly comprehensive. So I stopped for a while.
  • I got back into modeling once I discovered a site called Udemy that lets you buy classes. I bought like $70 worth of Blender tutorials which really helped me A LOT and now I feel a lot more comfortable in Blender. I will make a separate post about my 3D models later.
  • I am currently in the process of revamping my convention booth to look more pretty and professional looking!
  • Now at the start of 2018, I’m REALLY obsessed with a particular artist’s use of digital watercolours and am trying really hard to both emulate it and make it my own style. It’s hard but I like the results, I think… I’m still experimenting. The funny thing is I used to make all my art in Photoshop but switched to Manga Studio once I realized how much better it is (magic wand tool anyone?). However, for the digital watercolours I now have to paint in Photoshop because that’s where the brushes are… oh well.
  • I attempted to get into traditional sketching/inking in 2017. That didn’t go very well.
  • I wanted to get more serious about making more comics in 2017 as well, guess how that went?
  • I guess my MMO for the past few years has been Tree of Saviour which I seem to keep quitting and coming back to from time to time. I hate IMC but it’s fun to play with my friends.
  • I bought a 2D game engine called Construct 2 which has been instrumental for a lot of stuff! I was able to make a really small farming prototype thing that I haven’t worked on in a while, but it’s really simple to use and I like it a lot. I also use it for my comic’s map which… I never actually released yet…. maybe someday.
  • I almost for the most important part, I officially became a freelancer in 2017 for a company that makes magnets (mostly for education; childrens’ toys). It was probably one of the best work-related decisions ever.

Phew, that’s a lot! But that’s all what’s happened recently!!


♥ Posted at 9:45:33 pm CST

¤ January 15, 2018 ¤

♬ A comeback

This post pertains to: ArtDepression

It’s been a long three years since I started my comic. As you can see, I abandoned this blog in favour of social media, so I could build an audience for my comic. But I think that was a mistake.

As I kept posting more and more, I became more greedy for the validation of strangers. I craved likes, comments, all that bullshit, as if it were my only sustenance. But I could never really get a foothold anywhere in the art world. I made acquaintances, I liked things I saw on my timeline, they liked some of my things.

However, it all hit me today. I had entered the fanart contest for a game I’m playing. I spent a long time on it and it’s one of like, three pieces of 2017 that I could say I was proud of. I thought I was finally getting somewhere with my art goals.

As you might’ve guessed I didn’t get picked as one of the winners and I was pretty bummed. After some other bad events happened I came to a realization. It wasn’t the fanart contest itself, but I realized the actual problem:

I am not that good. Actually, I am bad.

The reason I can’t gain a foothold anywhere is because I am bad. I am bad as a person and bad at art. My art is not attractive to anyone. I keep telling myself to learn an attractive anime style so people would like my art more and be more receptive to it but no matter what I do it never comes out looking like I want.

I’m just bad.

Therefore, I’m closing off my social media posting to return to this blog once again, to all 2 people who know it exists. I don’t have to worry about comments or likes or shit like that here, I can just share my work and not have to yearn for hearts from strangers. I’m tired of being shackled to fake internet lovelove points. Why can’t I be bad and just not have to feel bad for being bad? All I want to do is just make anime waifus and husbandous.

I’ve caught up to the current year and have uploaded all the stuff I missed, so the rest of 2016/2017 should be filled.

I’ll continue my bad art journey away from prying eyes. I’ll also be posting a summary of the things that’ve happened since I stopped posting here. This site is several years old and it’s got a lot of fucked up design choices on it, maybe I’ll revisit it and build it from a template like a normal person.


♥ Posted at 5:25:54 pm CST

¤ June 12, 2017 ¤

♬ Character Talk: Slade

This post pertains to: ThoughtsVidya Games

So for my comic’s third year anniversary the public poll is heavily skewed towards making a video of the history of the comic. I decided to get a bit of a headstart, even though the poll officially ends at the beginning of July, there’s no way any other option could catch up.

Part of what I plan to talk about is Mirror Blue, my Ragnarok-inspired RPG maker game I started when I was 13. Since it kinda paved the way towards my comic’s infancy I felt it was important to bring up.

I find the story of just that game pretty interesting. I posted that completion of the game three years ago, but every so often I would revisit that game and tweak it again and again, even after it was ‘completed.’

When I had first started it, the main character, Slade was my 14-year-old mind’s vision of what I envisioned an intelligent person to be. In this case, he was this almost belligerent fellow who would use huge smart-sounding words that even I didn’t know what they meant or how to use them, I just put a word into the thesaurus and used it regardless of what its actual contextual usage was. I say belligerent because he would pretty aggressively react to anything racist (racism between elves and humans is a big theme in the game) and actually be kind of a dick to people he helps.

As I grew older and revisited the game, the more and more I realized Slade was a pretty unlikeable character. He’s the protagonist- why is he acting like such an asshole? He’s not supposed to be an antihero or anything. He was a guy that got caught up in his own ego and now has to shoulder a huge responsibility. Furthermore, he acted like a jerk towards his friends, and while I saw that I wanted the characters to grow close with each other through constant hardship, that never actually happened in the original version of the game because they were too busy arguing with each other over petty shit. Slade would get annoyed at something his friends would say and then it would just be pointless banter.

When I ‘cleaned up’ the game for release, I removed and rewrote a lot of the ultra-cringy stuff and shipped it off as complete. However, it wasn’t truly finished in regards to all I did was change cringy stuff into less cringy stuff. There was still the issue of characters not really being characters. That’s the case with Slade. The more I revisited the game, the more I changed Slade into an actual human being rather than some weird pseudo-intellectual weirdo.

Slade has daddy issues and wasn’t really ever close with his father; father wanted him to be a pastor and Slade was like, nope, and literally moved across the entire fucking world. He stole forbidden books on touchy alchemy subjects and studied it on offtime of his job as the doctor of a small town. He created a homunculus – what he refers to as his daughter – with a sociopathic streak that wishes to save the world from a cosmic horror by destroying it. He is then suddenly finding himself carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, and it gets harder and harder to bear as events pass.

That sounds like a pretty shitty situation, right? Anyone would be pretty pissed off to be in that kind of deal, but I didn’t want old Slade to stay all pissy and arrogant about it. I wanted him to be reluctant at first and then just kinda quietly accept that he must take responsibility for shit he fucked up. And, I think to follow this kind of story, you need someone you can relate to.

Instead of being angry at ‘stupid people’ that he helps with a huff, he’s much more empathetic and kind, and gladly lends a hand to anyone who needs it. He’s no longer a pseudo-intellectual that uses huge words; he talks like a normal person. He’s infinitely more human with compassion for others and love for his friends. He admits when he’s wrong and apologizes when he upsets people. He stands his ground on his beliefs and tries to understand what others are going through. He doesn’t blindly strike back when provoked, and instead has the capability of analyzing the situation and whether it’s worth it to fight or not; old Slade would just bite back with little thought. It’s these things, these changes, that made me feel strongly about the character and his plight. He’s only human, just like the rest of us- how can he possibly shoulder such a burden? Shouldering the fate of the world is tough.

In the end, I’m really glad I at least gave Slade some justice and fixed his character instead of leaving him to rot in the shitty 10-year-old graveyard that he was in. He’s much more likeable now and relatable as a protagonist. Even if that game is just rotting in my site’s graveyard, too. I’m just happy that he got some peace.


♥ Posted at 9:40:41 pm CST