The Suicidal Octopus

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Ye Olde Sunken Treasure: Depression Archives

I’m sorry, sir; this is a no-fun zone.

¤ January 15, 2018 ¤

♬ A comeback

This post pertains to: ArtDepression

It’s been a long three years since I started my comic. As you can see, I abandoned this blog in favour of social media, so I could build an audience for my comic. But I think that was a mistake.

As I kept posting more and more, I became more greedy for the validation of strangers. I craved likes, comments, all that bullshit, as if it were my only sustenance. But I could never really get a foothold anywhere in the art world. I made acquaintances, I liked things I saw on my timeline, they liked some of my things.

However, it all hit me today. I had entered the fanart contest for a game I’m playing. I spent a long time on it and it’s one of like, three pieces of 2017 that I could say I was proud of. I thought I was finally getting somewhere with my art goals.

As you might’ve guessed I didn’t get picked as one of the winners and I was pretty bummed. After some other bad events happened I came to a realization. It wasn’t the fanart contest itself, but I realized the actual problem:

I am not that good. Actually, I am bad.

The reason I can’t gain a foothold anywhere is because I am bad. I am bad as a person and bad at art. My art is not attractive to anyone. I keep telling myself to learn an attractive anime style so people would like my art more and be more receptive to it but no matter what I do it never comes out looking like I want.

I’m just bad.

Therefore, I’m closing off my social media posting to return to this blog once again, to all 2 people who know it exists. I don’t have to worry about comments or likes or shit like that here, I can just share my work and not have to yearn for hearts from strangers. I’m tired of being shackled to fake internet lovelove points. Why can’t I be bad and just not have to feel bad for being bad? All I want to do is just make anime waifus and husbandous.

I’ve caught up to the current year and have uploaded all the stuff I missed, so the rest of 2016/2017 should be filled.

I’ll continue my bad art journey away from prying eyes. I’ll also be posting a summary of the things that’ve happened since I stopped posting here. This site is several years old and it’s got a lot of fucked up design choices on it, maybe I’ll revisit it and build it from a template like a normal person.

♥ Posted at 5:25:54 pm CDT

¤ October 21, 2015 ¤

♬ The End of an Era

This post pertains to: DepressionRants

I am quitting my job on the first of November. I can’t take it here any longer.

At first I was happy to have a chance to be an illustrator and build my portfolio for future opportunities in the illustration world. As time went by I became less of an illustrator and more of a personal lapdog. As it stands, I might’ve even become the new maid if I did not decide now to leave.

I’m now basically my boss’s personal servant. “Fix this clock. Find this thing. Call these people. Go through this folder. Find this. Mail this. Write this. Move this. List this. Sell this. Buy this. Package this.” I’m tired of being the little dog told to do these stupid menial tasks that I didn’t sign up for.

It wouldn’t be so bad if these tasks weren’t continuously complicated by my boss’s inability to provide any information about anything. My rage comes from the fact that any time my boss asks me to do something, 99% of the time I’m not given any information on the subject and I have to send 50 back and forth emails trying to figure out what the fuck I’m doing, what is going on, what I need to continue. Most, if not all, of these tasks could be accomplished by him in half the time it took for me to do it because he is the one with all the information to do it.

Earlier in the week I was told to call Aflac about getting a refund. I knew I wasn’t getting anywhere, but I might as well call. I did, and to no one’s surprise, I couldn’t get anywhere because I wasn’t the policyholder. so my boss asked me to set up a 3 way call for him. It was stupid. My only point in the three way call would be to get past the automated messaging system and get to a real person. So I just called from the phone in his office instead and handed him the phone when I got to a real person. what was the point of that? Me being there to spend all 1 minute pressing the right buttons to get to a real person?

There are so many stupid menial tasks that become complex issues that take days to solve, and would’ve taken literal minutes if he did it himself. It’s infuriating, I do not need this, and it isn’t worth driving here every day for a fucking hour and a half and back to get paid less than what my mom makes as a secretary. Basically doing the same clerical shit I am.

I am not giving a two weeks notice, only one. I’m going to send my resignation letter tomorrow and after that will be my last day here.

Help me god.

♥ Posted at 11:23:09 am CDT

¤ March 18, 2015 ¤

♬ Tired

This post pertains to: Depression

I am tired of everything.

I am tired of looking for a job.
I am tired of recruiters contacting me.
I am tired of being rejected.
I am tired of talking to people.
I am tired of wading in endless debt.
I am tired of art.
I am tired of my comic.
I am tired of thinking.
I am tired of video games.
I am tired of eating.
I am tired of getting up in the morning.
I am tired of existing.

Two people I know threw themselves in front of moving vehicles, but I thought that would be a little harsh and I don’t want anyone else to be hurt. I wrote a paper in college about how to commit suicide with carbon monoxide from your car’s exhaust pipe, and I got an A on it, but I don’t remember how to do that anymore. Last night I felt an apathy so fierce that I thought of killing my family and friends in order to maybe feel something tingle in that hollow void they call a soul. Where’s an end to this madness? I saw someone quote a character from a video game and it made me laugh at how stupid it was. That’s how I feel about the world right now. Is there really something worth living for?

♥ Posted at 7:47:46 pm CDT

¤ March 11, 2015 ¤

♬ That which falls

This post pertains to: Depression

I feel like putting a bullet in my head but at the same time I can’t yet because the illustrations I did for the Chap Book got compiled and my friends are getting proofs of it now. We did a few corrections and now it’s set for the final product. Maybe I can convince people that I’m not useless? I don’t know. Probably not. Want to crawl into a hole and die.

♥ Posted at 4:24:44 pm CDT