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Ye Olde Sunken Treasure: Thoughts Archives

The average brawg post: VERY IMPORTANT OPINIONS.

¤ May 5, 2018 ¤

♬ So much for abandoning social media…

This post pertains to: DepressionRantsThoughts

I’m still fucking addicted, I have an issue. I need to stop. Stop! I don’t need likes! I just want to share things with people I like. What’s wrong with me?

I miss talking nonsense about stories I’m creating that no one but me understands, why do I have to pretend I’m some kind of different person when I’m on social media? Why do I crave fucking internet lovelove points?

I want to update this blog more with my thoughts and feelings, maybe I will be less depressed when I’m able to express myself instead of continually holding it in and wanting to scream how depressed I am on social media.

I hate how I depend on social media for self-worth, and I hate that it’s consuming me. I hate that it’s needed in today’s world to promote yourself and get seen… I don’t know what to do.


♥ Posted at 6:36:16 pm CDT

¤ January 15, 2018 ¤

♬ A comeback

This post pertains to: ArtDepression

It’s been a long three years since I started my comic. As you can see, I abandoned this blog in favour of social media, so I could build an audience for my comic. But I think that was a mistake.

As I kept posting more and more, I became more greedy for the validation of strangers. I craved likes, comments, all that bullshit, as if it were my only sustenance. But I could never really get a foothold anywhere in the art world. I made acquaintances, I liked things I saw on my timeline, they liked some of my things.

However, it all hit me today. I had entered the fanart contest for a game I’m playing. I spent a long time on it and it’s one of like, three pieces of 2017 that I could say I was proud of. I thought I was finally getting somewhere with my art goals.

As you might’ve guessed I didn’t get picked as one of the winners and I was pretty bummed. After some other bad events happened I came to a realization. It wasn’t the fanart contest itself, but I realized the actual problem:

I am not that good. Actually, I am bad.

The reason I can’t gain a foothold anywhere is because I am bad. I am bad as a person and bad at art. My art is not attractive to anyone. I keep telling myself to learn an attractive anime style so people would like my art more and be more receptive to it but no matter what I do it never comes out looking like I want.

I’m just bad.

Therefore, I’m closing off my social media posting to return to this blog once again, to all 2 people who know it exists. I don’t have to worry about comments or likes or shit like that here, I can just share my work and not have to yearn for hearts from strangers. I’m tired of being shackled to fake internet lovelove points. Why can’t I be bad and just not have to feel bad for being bad? All I want to do is just make anime waifus and husbandous.

I’ve caught up to the current year and have uploaded all the stuff I missed, so the rest of 2016/2017 should be filled.

I’ll continue my bad art journey away from prying eyes. I’ll also be posting a summary of the things that’ve happened since I stopped posting here. This site is several years old and it’s got a lot of fucked up design choices on it, maybe I’ll revisit it and build it from a template like a normal person.


♥ Posted at 5:25:54 pm CDT

¤ June 12, 2017 ¤

♬ Character Talk: Slade

This post pertains to: ThoughtsVidya Games

So for my comic’s third year anniversary the public poll is heavily skewed towards making a video of the history of the comic. I decided to get a bit of a headstart, even though the poll officially ends at the beginning of July, there’s no way any other option could catch up.

Part of what I plan to talk about is Mirror Blue, my Ragnarok-inspired RPG maker game I started when I was 13. Since it kinda paved the way towards my comic’s infancy I felt it was important to bring up.

I find the story of just that game pretty interesting. I posted that completion of the game three years ago, but every so often I would revisit that game and tweak it again and again, even after it was ‘completed.’

When I had first started it, the main character, Slade was my 14-year-old mind’s vision of what I envisioned an intelligent person to be. In this case, he was this almost belligerent fellow who would use huge smart-sounding words that even I didn’t know what they meant or how to use them, I just put a word into the thesaurus and used it regardless of what its actual contextual usage was. I say belligerent because he would pretty aggressively react to anything racist (racism between elves and humans is a big theme in the game) and actually be kind of a dick to people he helps.

As I grew older and revisited the game, the more and more I realized Slade was a pretty unlikeable character. He’s the protagonist- why is he acting like such an asshole? He’s not supposed to be an antihero or anything. He was a guy that got caught up in his own ego and now has to shoulder a huge responsibility. Furthermore, he acted like a jerk towards his friends, and while I saw that I wanted the characters to grow close with each other through constant hardship, that never actually happened in the original version of the game because they were too busy arguing with each other over petty shit. Slade would get annoyed at something his friends would say and then it would just be pointless banter.

When I ‘cleaned up’ the game for release, I removed and rewrote a lot of the ultra-cringy stuff and shipped it off as complete. However, it wasn’t truly finished in regards to all I did was change cringy stuff into less cringy stuff. There was still the issue of characters not really being characters. That’s the case with Slade. The more I revisited the game, the more I changed Slade into an actual human being rather than some weird pseudo-intellectual weirdo.

Slade has daddy issues and wasn’t really ever close with his father; father wanted him to be a pastor and Slade was like, nope, and literally moved across the entire fucking world. He stole forbidden books on touchy alchemy subjects and studied it on offtime of his job as the doctor of a small town. He created a homunculus – what he refers to as his daughter – with a sociopathic streak that wishes to save the world from a cosmic horror by destroying it. He is then suddenly finding himself carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, and it gets harder and harder to bear as events pass.

That sounds like a pretty shitty situation, right? Anyone would be pretty pissed off to be in that kind of deal, but I didn’t want old Slade to stay all pissy and arrogant about it. I wanted him to be reluctant at first and then just kinda quietly accept that he must take responsibility for shit he fucked up. And, I think to follow this kind of story, you need someone you can relate to.

Instead of being angry at ‘stupid people’ that he helps with a huff, he’s much more empathetic and kind, and gladly lends a hand to anyone who needs it. He’s no longer a pseudo-intellectual that uses huge words; he talks like a normal person. He’s infinitely more human with compassion for others and love for his friends. He admits when he’s wrong and apologizes when he upsets people. He stands his ground on his beliefs and tries to understand what others are going through. He doesn’t blindly strike back when provoked, and instead has the capability of analyzing the situation and whether it’s worth it to fight or not; old Slade would just bite back with little thought. It’s these things, these changes, that made me feel strongly about the character and his plight. He’s only human, just like the rest of us- how can he possibly shoulder such a burden? Shouldering the fate of the world is tough.

In the end, I’m really glad I at least gave Slade some justice and fixed his character instead of leaving him to rot in the shitty 10-year-old graveyard that he was in. He’s much more likeable now and relatable as a protagonist. Even if that game is just rotting in my site’s graveyard, too. I’m just happy that he got some peace.


♥ Posted at 9:40:41 pm CDT

¤ February 24, 2016 ¤

♬ “It’s just a game, it doesn’t have to be real!”

This post pertains to: Thoughts

How does someone respond to this statement?

I thought about it and how a lot of the costumes in Butts & Sluts are super revealing. I don’t really care about that because the lead artist (Hyung-Tae Kim) basically revolves all his art around sexy ladies so it’s to be expected in a game that’s about fanservice and doing kung fu in a hooker outfit. I want more practical cool armour, but I can’t really help but think about that one line that dismisses my entire preference.

“Who cares? Why do you want realism and practicality in a video game? It’s not real, it’s just fantasy, it doesn’t have to adhere to real life.”

Well… yea, but that doesn’t mean you can make an entire game 100% illogical, it has to have some basis in reality. I don’t really know how to respond to that kind of statement. When someone brings up that “argument” in relation to wanting practical armour I feel shut down. Yes they’re right it’s a video game you don’t have to make everything 100% realistic. But I like having practical stuff too, it doesn’t hurt.

Hooker outfits: sweet man
Practical stuff: douchebag fag


♥ Posted at 8:27:28 pm CDT

¤ October 21, 2015 ¤

♬ The End of an Era

This post pertains to: DepressionRants

I am quitting my job on the first of November. I can’t take it here any longer.

At first I was happy to have a chance to be an illustrator and build my portfolio for future opportunities in the illustration world. As time went by I became less of an illustrator and more of a personal lapdog. As it stands, I might’ve even become the new maid if I did not decide now to leave.

I’m now basically my boss’s personal servant. “Fix this clock. Find this thing. Call these people. Go through this folder. Find this. Mail this. Write this. Move this. List this. Sell this. Buy this. Package this.” I’m tired of being the little dog told to do these stupid menial tasks that I didn’t sign up for.

It wouldn’t be so bad if these tasks weren’t continuously complicated by my boss’s inability to provide any information about anything. My rage comes from the fact that any time my boss asks me to do something, 99% of the time I’m not given any information on the subject and I have to send 50 back and forth emails trying to figure out what the fuck I’m doing, what is going on, what I need to continue. Most, if not all, of these tasks could be accomplished by him in half the time it took for me to do it because he is the one with all the information to do it.

Earlier in the week I was told to call Aflac about getting a refund. I knew I wasn’t getting anywhere, but I might as well call. I did, and to no one’s surprise, I couldn’t get anywhere because I wasn’t the policyholder. so my boss asked me to set up a 3 way call for him. It was stupid. My only point in the three way call would be to get past the automated messaging system and get to a real person. So I just called from the phone in his office instead and handed him the phone when I got to a real person. what was the point of that? Me being there to spend all 1 minute pressing the right buttons to get to a real person?

There are so many stupid menial tasks that become complex issues that take days to solve, and would’ve taken literal minutes if he did it himself. It’s infuriating, I do not need this, and it isn’t worth driving here every day for a fucking hour and a half and back to get paid less than what my mom makes as a secretary. Basically doing the same clerical shit I am.

I am not giving a two weeks notice, only one. I’m going to send my resignation letter tomorrow and after that will be my last day here.

Help me god.


♥ Posted at 11:23:09 am CDT